Schizo

The schizo in schizophrenia means "split". That split isn't in personalities though. It's the incongruence in words, actions and intent. I'm not deliberately mean or aloof. I say one thing in a certain way in my mind, but it comes out aggressive or crazy. In my mind I'm normal and nice and in the moment. I have been told that that incongruence is the schizo. I can say I love you and hurt your feelings, also, I can tell you to go to hell and you would pack your bags and buy a one way ticket. I don't notice these splits in words and actions, I was told about this over the years in treatment. I may seem inappropriate in conversation or aggressive in nature but trust me that is only the natural me. I space out from time to time too. I hear people call my name and answer and they are like, "I've been talking to you for two minutes". I'm gone in my own world. You should really appreciate the fact that you can be in the moment and focus. See for me, my thoughts are very loud. I can hear the voices in my head like I am wearing headphones. "You're going to die", "you're going to get shot stabbed or beaten to death". They also tell me about the consequences of being what other people want me to be, like letting other people dictate my behavior is fatal. Not that it's a bad thing to be real, but damn, why the loud ass voices? I'm struggling to write this blog right now. The thoughts are interrupted by those loud voices. "Nobody cares, they are waiting for you to die". Anyways, you may ask how I deal with this. Well, I fight against myself. I tell myself to fuck off, my higher self is what I'm trying to hear. Yet, I still hear these demonic voices, not in the way you think demonic, but quite persuasive tones and scary ass volume. "They are going to kill you". I'm lucky I'm strong enough to leave the house and do anything remotely routine. You may think what you want, but I know what I'm going through on the daily basis. My life is "split", as is my mind, body, and soul. I look at my life and some people that I associate with and think that I have made some bad decisions. I can't trust myself to the point that I make horrible judgement and bad decisions. I am living a life I never thought I would live. Being a father is awesome, as is being a good hubby and friend. I'm loyal to very few people, but that natural loyal discipline makes me an extra nice associate. I wait until I have some lucidity before I tell people to eat shit and die. Still, I keep fighting the voices, that are not always wrong. How do I know when they are helping or hurting? Are they always wrong? Are they always right? I don't know but I continue to live as half good half evil, to an extreme. Rappers have told me my music isn't that crazy. Of course not, I'm not TRYING to be crazy, I'm fighting a horrible mental condition. I try 100 times harder than you "normal" folks to live a stable life. That's why I don't give a shit about what people have to say about me most times. If I was a weaker person I would have been dead and buried 15 years ago when I was locked in the hospital arguing with the voices through my actions. I'm writing this because I have to get this out to the world. I am watching the earth spin with an hour glass filled with drug powder about to break that glass and sniff my life away. Because when I'm high the voices are more quiet. I don't know why, but drugs even me out. That's why they prescribe me such strong medication. I need to be in an altered mindset to function somewhat normal. My soul is strong yet scarred. My mind and body are the same as my soul. I'm 100% injured by trauma. If I told you the details you wouldn't believe them. My life has been crazy but there are people going through so much more shit than us. Anyways, I'm getting some chill time everyday to myself to try to rid myself of these "demons". No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to accomplish that goal. One.

R. Breighner

Stampede Media